Consequences: Prison Study Group Torn Apart For Learning And Growing
By Kenneth Vogt
“I dare you to move, I dare you to lift yourself up off the floor.”
I think of that song by Switchfoot every time I’m feeling down, beat, or just plain sick and tired. So, I “move.” I move forward and I pass that positive energy on to my group and as many others as I can.
Today, I’m thinking back on how it all started (the Study And Struggle group), all the lives that have been changed, and how my life has changed.
We were all so nervous; Hard times make us guarded. Anger is like a tree with many branches, it comes from so many places, so many things. It’s endless. So, all you can do is grasp on to the feelings that come to mind first and go from there. We have to start somewhere.
I used that method to tap into my group on our first day. I was worried that it would backfire. In prison you notice that the hurt, abuse, and anger is at an entirely deeper level than you’ll ever imagine.
We are bleeding wounds that the system constantly picks at. There is no real “correction” in these places; That’s the joke, right? It’s a slap in the face when we see “correctional department” everywhere.
What “they” really mean to say is: Dump a bunch of no-gooders on top of each other. Give them the bare necessities and keep them divided, so they’ll eat each other alive. Oppress them, keep kicking them down, maintain control, and watch them come back; That’s our paycheck. That seems overdramatic, yet it’s not.
The time we share as a group is like our get away, our own island. We make it a strong point to invite as many people as we can onto “our” island. We are saving people and creating unity…through love and an open mind.
The second the officers witnessed our unity, they passed the word up to the warden. The warden tried to scare and manipulate us. He loved replacing the word unity with his own BS words, like: riot, terrorist group, danger to the stability (order) of the compound, unauthorized organizing, rebellious…Wow…my eyes were popping out of my head! The nerve of these people (warden/officers). I realized then and there that the system has a playbook on their own forms of manipulation.
The first two things you see when you open up their playbook: 1) Fear 2) Division. Those are the first two chapters, without a doubt. Imagine that there is a mechanism, a system that teaches oppression as if it were a “How To” guide. No “corrections” there.
Group after group we held discussions about race, homosexuality, daily issues, and much more. People, including officers, would stand around the outer circle of our group. Some were curious, some judging and waiting to pounce. Some were using it as an opportunity to hear our words without facing judgement. Then there are the ones looking for ways to weaponize our words against us, to shut us down.
Well, I’m proud to say we have faced them all and they only made us stronger because of it.
I don’t like to say that money is a major factor in the group’s growth. The true values, most important elements that we witness, come from within our hearts. However, money has played a significant role in a lot of the wonderful things we have done as a group.
Giving is the stepping stone to selflessness, whether it’s the giving of oneself, time, or just an inspirational quote wrapped around a piece of candy. I wish you (the reader) could see the change a new pair of shoes will make within a person that has nothing.
It’s like watching a flower bloom and open up before your eyes. Now that person walks with confidence and a renewed heart, knowing that he has people. He has us; He has Study and Struggle. Feeling wanted and included, they are somebody and do have something to say.
I look around me to see so many different faces. Some are dark and some light. People with differing hair, height, weight, posture - even the different ways that people talk. I realize these are my people - our people! I consider this my family. So why do we fight? Why can’t we all appreciate the beauty in our differences?
Today an officer saw me putting water in a mop bucket. He approached me and kicked the bucket over. He walked off without saying a word. Consequences. That’s the consequence you have to be willing to pay when you stand up for yourself and others. That is why I am being intimidated and picked on. In other prisons they would beat on you, kill you, put others against you (with a pay off, of course). Here it’s a mental game; They kill you with a thousand cuts. It’s not right.
Sometimes the consequences are serious, like the time an officer paid three gang members to jump on a guy that got smart with him. I didn’t know it at the time. I just saw a guy getting jumped on, so I jumped in to help him.
Jumping on someone with multiple people against one person can be deadly. Even if they don’t intend to kill the person, there are hands, fists, and feet flying everywhere. All it takes is one well-placed blow and somebody dies. I wanted to stop it, to prevent it.
Little did I know that I was getting in the way of a paid hit. I asked myself at that moment, “Are you crazy?” But in my heart and soul I knew I was doing the right thing, even if I paid a price.
The officers have been attacking our Study And Struggle group. They were trying to break us up and disrupt us in any way possible. The warden made it clear through the “pipeline” that he thinks our group is terrorist related and must be split up. I am to be shipped off any day now. I’m not supposed to know any of this, but there are some good officers amongst the many bad ones.
There have been times when certain officers would clap along with us, join in on the topics of conversation, sneak a hug, and even shed a tear with us. Not all officers are bad; Sadly, just most of them are.
Through everything - all of the change, my bitterness has turned to hope and defiance. I know you probably hear the word defiance and think of violence or physical push back. That’s not the case; My defiance is opposition to the system’s playbook of manipulations. I refuse to conform or stand by and do nothing.
We all fight in our own ways. I fight by bringing people together, by encouraging unity and strength. I bring awareness; That’s how I fight. I cannot express the pride and wonder of watching a member of our group change and grow. It feels great to see someone stand straight with bright eyes and chin held high, speaking intently with passion and confidence.
We have a long way to go. What seems like a fleeting moment is just the beginning.
When I first started writing this, I planned to include all of the attacks the group and I have experienced at the hands of the other prisoners, warden, and officers. However, I felt it was more important to give you an outline of the bad and to focus on the good. Focus, we must stay focused.
So, I leave you with this: “I dare you to move, I dare you to pick yourself up off the floor.” I dare you.
Kenneth Vogt is a long-time Study And Struggle host. Kenneth was born in Memphis, TN. Kenneth is currently incarcerated in a MS prison.
“Sow Good Seeds” Image Credit: N.O. Bonzo!